John Oliver Entertains Seattle and Bashes Boise

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For nearly two hours, John Oliver entertained us at Seattle’s Paramount Theater, performing two sets for the liberal Seattlites who packed his sold out shows. We scored good seats but a freakishly tall couple sat in front of us, not only very effectively blocking my view of the stage but, as they proceeded to feel compelled to hug each other, they formed a wall of attractive heads for me to look at instead of John Oliver. I needed a freaking booster seat. Hello, freakishly tall people, munchkin lady sitting directly behind you can’t see a damn thing!! Break off that unnecessary hugging crap and give me an opening to peer through. Please.

My view obstructed by gorgeous haired Seattleites hugging it out at the Paramount
My view obstructed by gorgeous haired Seattleites hugging it out at the Paramount

I had expected John to be more politically focused but he really just told stories. Good ones that were thoughtful and funny. But first, he mocked the opulence of the Paramount theater with it’s over the top crystal sparkly chandeliers, purple velvet draping on the stage and gold leaf ceilings. I had never been there before but was impressed with it’s Broadway theater-like ambience. Yes, John, in your plaid flannel shirt and Levi’s, you looked comfortable but out of place. Very. As he put it, the fancy theater screamed OPERA! Vs. Comedy Central. Actually, John, you looked more in tune with a Boise vibe than a Paramount vibe. Take that you Brit Twit!

Yes, core to his routine was Boise Bashing by John Oliver…WTF! He couldn’t find any other city to mock unmercifully? Seriously?? There are some really ugly, nasty places in the U.S.–take Gary, Indiana or Buffalo, NY (please), cities where I can’t believe anyone would actually choose to live. Sorry-just my opinion.  Boise is a lovely town that hasn’t done anything to John Oliver and he probably has never even been there. So, Mr. Oliver, Boise does indeed have a downtown library with a large “Library!” sign. I think the exclamation point added to the sign is quirky and clearly conveys excitement for reading. John saw it differently—he thinks Boise residents are thrilled to even have a book in their teeny tiny hick town. Of course, Boise residents have heard of his stand up antics bashing Boise and are complaining loudly…good for you Boiseites—keep up the noise and invite John to visit. I can just see him now peddling the mobile beer bar around downtown-one loop and several brews later, John would be singing the praises of Boise from the gorgeous foothills that surround it.

I forgive John for his Boise bashing because, damn he CAN do a mean pigeon walk…instead of twerking, he was all over the stage beaking as John likes to act out his stories. Bird going rogue at the Newark Airport….breaking news…makes travelers who normally ignore each other become besties as they laughed at the pigeon strutting his stuff at the boarding gate. Oddities like that bring people together in strange ways. Taking it one step further, he suggested that negotiators should throw a pigeon in with Netanyahu and Abbas and maybe they would laugh and make peace once they bonded over the fowl antics. Hmmm…..worth a shot, right?

One story especially tugged at Thom and I’s heart strings. Sitting at the airport, John observed an old couple interacting. The wife wanted the husband to find her glasses in his jacket pocket. As he searched his pockets, he slowly withdrew his hand, middle finger extended and flipped her off, prompting fits of geriatric giggles. Thom and I just looked at each other and cracked up….we behave like that now and certainly won’t stop as we get older. I hope we can bring humor to those who see us interact, now and in the future. I only wish everyone could have as much fun as we do just finding humor in everyday life and certainly watching John Oliver’s antics–even with his Boise Bashing!

Settling into Seattle

We’ve only been gone a little over a year but it seems like much longer as we settle back into our life in Seattle.  Leaving Shanghai with only a few suitcases, we are hoping that the Seattle port slowdown will end soon so our sea container will arrive in time to move into our new apartment.  I sympathize with whatever they are trying to protest but please RESOLVE YOUR ISSUES and get back to work quickly. I miss my pillow collection and need my pots and pans.  First world problems, right?

The air shipment arrived-now for the sea container!
The air shipment arrived-now for the sea container!

Having lived in Lower Queen Anne in downtown last time we passed through Seattle, we naturally gravitated back to our old neighborhood that has a quaint little movie theater, a Mud Bay store now for all our dogs needs, which are plenty, and a plethora of bars and restaurants for when it stops raining and we finally venture outside.

Our temporary housing is actually quite nice and next to the Seattle Center and Key Arena.  We looked at an apartment here to move into but we didn’t pull the trigger fast enough and lost out when someone else jumped on it before we did–lesson learned.  After seeing lots of places that didn’t get me excited, I finally found a condo for rent on Craigslist and we made haste to see it before anyone else could.  Walking in, I took one look at the water view and winked at Thom.  This was it!  HOT DAMN!  Big enough to accommodate our son too should he choose to move back in while he goes on with his education and with the needed outdoor deck (we’re on top floor) overlooking not only Elliott Bay but the Space Needle too, it was a no brainer to just write out the check and lock it in.  While it is a private condo building lacking the amenities of an apartment building with no gym, rooftop deck, etc., it’s a block from our temporary housing, close to my work commuter bus and I know it will feel like home when we get to move in soon.  It looked like a single guy had it before us because all he had in the living room was a big screen TV and a leather couch.  Can’t wait to decorate!

The "Before" picture of our new living room
The “Before” picture of our new living room-single guy who had it didn’t believe in any decorating. Can’t wait to hang our art onto those walls!

Now, of course, silly us moved all our furniture to our new house in Boise but that has worked out well as we have rented the place most of the time but now we will get to enjoy being there for the holidays with our family.  Score! Thom and I have scoured Seattle for unique furniture (love you Ikea but am ready to move on) and found some great pieces.  Today we got a great deal at a resale shop on a mid-century cherry dresser with leather tab draw pulls-sounds weird but it’s cool.  We bought some furniture in China but not nearly enough so we ended up buying quite a few items at Kasala Outlet.  Nice quality and fair prices in south Seattle by the stadiums.

I've never owned yellow furniture..until now!
I’ve never owned yellow furniture..until now!

We were thrilled with Kasala’s customer service and would highly recommend them.  We went wild with color and may be the coolest of them all with our bright yellow chair and ottoman.  Combo that up with our red chaise from China, the Tin Tin prints and all those bright pillows I collected and it will be a riot of color in our new pad.

Thom actually negotiated down the price (I taught him well), on  a cool old Chinese wood chair at a consignment place for less than $100-a steal.  Yes, we could have gotten it for far less actually in China but not knowing how big our apartment would be, I was hesitant to buy a lot there.  Now, I’m kicking myself.  After we order a memory foam mattress online, I think we will finally have what we need and will get it all in next week after the holiday.  I’m seriously looking forward to recreating the look and feel of our beautiful Shanghai apartment but instead of watching the coal boats drift by on the Huangpu River, we’ll be watching and waiting for our sea container to follow us to Seattle.  Luckily, as much as we move around, home is wherever we lay down our heads at night.

View from our patio deck
View from our patio deck
View from the living room looking out onto Elliott Bay
View from the living room looking out onto Elliott Bay
Wherever Thor is happy is home..hope he likes his big brother Izaak!
Wherever Thor is happy is home..hope he likes his big brother Izaak!

Pink Doors and Tarot Cards Too

“This is your card-The Hermit.  You must be alone to be happy–there are times you just need to stay away from everyone and enjoy your books.  Your partner must be very understanding.”  Why, yes he is, dear Tarot Card Lady.  Some might say Thom is a saint to put up with me while others say he is the luckiest guy on the planet (depends on the day) but he does certainly know me well enough to ascertain when I need my alone time AND my wine.

After my friend Kurt heard I was going to the Pink Door, a famous watering hole/restaurant near Pike Place Market, he suggested I go early to get a Tarot Reading.  I have never had a Tarot card reading but after my palm reading experience on a dark street in Kowloon, Hong Kong just a few months ago, I am open to new adventures so bring it on….

The Hermit=Me
The Hermit=Me

Further interpretation of my card was being alone but not lonely; lighting the way for others; being a wise teacher and being able to communicate with animals–yes, I’m a moose whisperer.  Always have been!  The Hermit is ruled by Virgo, which of course I am to the tenth degree.  While I wouldn’t describe myself as a Hermit, chords of truth rang out as I watched the cards unfold and be interpreted.  What fun!

As I shuffled the large deck of cards, Eugenia explained that there were a total of 78 cards with 22 major cards and 56 minor cards.  The  Major Ariana (arcana means secrets) cards that were turned over for me were:  The Fool (new beginnings and a new journey-you don’t say!), The Hanged Man (seeing life from a new perspective-maybe from another country??), The Hermit (soul searching and introspection), Judgment (change and transformation)

The Hanged Man=Contemplation & Inner Harmony
The Hanged Man=Contemplation & Inner Harmony

Encouraging that the cards were feeling my HUGE change of new countries, new homes, new furniture, new jobs and the change just keeps coming.  How could the cards NOT feel it???  They were practically flipping over by themselves to reinforce what I already know and am living–life is one big opportunity to embrace and experience.  Why be boring???  The woman bound with not so tight scarf and ropes (hello, 50 Shades, right?) looking to break free and the dude covered in keys signifying a change of address perhaps?? Yep, that’s me alright–nothing can tie me down and the keys just keep adding up as we move from one cool place to the next but always with a water view.

Swords=The Ties That Bind Me
Swords=The Ties That Bind Me

As we came to the end of the nine cards she was going to share as my reading, the Judgment card was revealed.  This signified my rebirth, awakening a part of me that has been dormant but always wanted to come out but never had time.  Immediately coming to mind was my soon-to-be venture as an entrepreneur running my own business (in my spare time) which has always been a dream of mine, put off by no time until now.  More to come on this later but it will be fun, fun, fun!

After the last card was read, I finally admitted to Eugenia that I had just moved from China, started a new job and found a new apartment this month.  She quickly flipped a few more cards as she was getting a strong feeling that I wasn’t done moving yet.  Satisfied by what she saw at a glance, she reassured me that I could unpack my bags and stay for a year or two in Seattle before we moved on to a new location, probably international by what she saw.  Hmmm…. who knows where we could end up??  May have to come back for another reading to see where our next adventure will take us.

Need to peer into your past or future?  Eugenia Van Vliet can be found in the bar at the Pink Door Sundays through Thursday 5 to 7:30 p.m.  The cost is $30 for 30 minutes of discovery.  You can make reservations with her at evanvliet@Comcast.net or just drop by and hope she has an opening.  Whether you believe the cards or not, it’s an interesting journey with Eugenia, who is smart and knows her stuff.  Enjoy!

The Fool has Keys Galore--perhaps moving?
The Fool has Keys Galore–perhaps moving?

Seattle Underground Tour Educates and Entertains

I have always wanted to take the Seattle Underground Tour-it just sounded mysterious and unique.  So, FINALLY, after living here for three years (except for our last year in China), we finally acted on a winter special on GroupOn to take to the subterranean underbelly of Seattle and experience it for ourselves.

Getting ready to start the BeneathTheStreets tour in Seattle.
Getting ready to start the BeneathTheStreets tour in Seattle.

There are four different Underground Tours in Seattle but for this outing we chose the History Tour during the day with Beneath The Streets, http://www.beneath-the-streets.com.  There are others including a night ghost tour and less educational ones but hey, when the GroupOn presents a screaming deal, who am I to say “No”.  So with our intrepid guide, Emily, educating us and making us laugh along the way, I learned more in one hour about Seattle history than I had ever imagined.  Sure, I vaguely knew about the Gold Rush but didn’t realize that it was the reason for Seattle’s birth and existence.  History was not my best subject in school and I’m an idiot when it comes to dates and major events in all history, foreign and domestic, but this tour I enjoyed when not dodging rats.

Yes, when you are navigating the underground beneath the streets of Seattle within cavernous spaces that have never been cleaned out from the roaring 1920’s saloon days and prior, you have entered Rat Heaven.  Emily warned us in a joking way that we might see “robot” rats and that the huge rat traps we saw were just props but we all knew Emily was preparing us for the real deal.  Sure enough, halfway into a large tunnel, the biggest rat (really a small pony) scuttled across the floor in front of our groups and the screaming began.  Get out the saddle because Mr. Rat’s tail was as long as our puppy Thor’s entire body.  All I can say is that the restaurants in the neighborhood must cook some seriously fattening food because Mr. Rat didn’t have any ribs showing–he was well fed.WP_20141115_010 1

But, enough of the rodent diversion and back to the tour–due to all kinds of issues with the water table being where the founding fathers of Seattle wanted to build the port city, they raised their streets, leaving the lower sidewalks intact with ladders to climb down into them until the sidewalks also had to move to higher ground due to more people dying from falling into them than the great fire that leveled the earlier downtown area.  Oops–watch where you step!  I’m shocked no savvy developer has bought these underground spaces to make them into clubs and trendy cocktail bars but I’m sure they will soon.  We did end our tour in the Comedy Underground space, which we will have to check out next.  Pioneer Square, where the tunnels are located, is getting gentrified with oh so trendy food choices and loft apartments.  We actually thought about moving to this area but it’s not quite living friendly yet with groceries and such.  It needs to evolve a little more before I’ll move here.  Still, if you want to experience Seattle history and enjoy a truly urban environment, this is the place to be on a sunny Seattle day.

Back in Sleepy Seattle and Off to Chinatown

It’s taken a few weeks of settling into a new routine in the U.S. and obsessing over a new job for me to find my Seattle voice.  When I found out we would be leaving Shanghai, I wondered what the hell I would write about in boring, sleepy Seattle.  China was exciting and odd and wonderful all at the same time.  Even reading the Shanghai Daily would produce laughs and a story to share.  So, off to Chinatown we went today.  Surely I would be inspired there!

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James doing his best job to eat all the dim sum including my favorite–egg tarts.

As we wandered the quiet, deserted streets today on our way to Chinatown for lunch with James (yes, trying to recreate the past!), I noticed not one dude peeing in the street.  Weird.   In fact, there wasn’t hardly a soul to be seen anywhere in the downtown area.  Where was the fruit lady and the shoe guy?   Amazing when you go from 25 million people in a city to under 1 million you do feel a distinct difference in the pace and most sane people would appreciate it.  Not me—I like the busy streets and hum of a vibrant urban environment.  Shanghai!  Manhattan!

At lunch, I couldn’t wait to taste and compare the egg tarts, one of my favorite delicacies that didn’t make me sick in Shanghai.  Definitely not as good as what we had in China, but the Seattle version was still delicious.  James dug into shrimp fried puffs, red bean paste sesame buns, barbeque buns and dumplings.  I loved that when I spoke Chinese to the staff that they immediately knew what I was saying.  Mydan!  Check please!  When we asked for “take way”, our waitress chided James to eat more so she could fit everything in one small box.  Done.  You don’t have to beg a 21Year old boy to eat more.

Lovely Chinatown in Seattle
Lovely Chinatown in Seattle

We walked through Chinatown, Seattle style, and ogled the pastries in the bakery.  YUM.  Hearing a soulful tune, we stopped to listen to the old guy in the park making beautiful music with his Erhu traditional string instrument while checking out the jumbo size lawn chess set available for all to play but no one was–everyone was too busy stuffing their faces with hot and steamy dim sum on this cold, crisp day with skies so blue and air so clean you could actually take deep breaths, which I couldn’t get enough of.   It’s good to be home.

Thor Becomes a US Citizen!

My cute adorable Thor is flying at my feet for ten F*#king long hours…he’s barely been out of the apartment in his short five months of life. How would he handle a journey that tests even the most journeyed traveller. Bad food, cramped quarters (no business class for us this time) and an airline mandate that he stays in his teeny, tiny softsided carrier at all times. Would he shit and piss the whole way? Would he bark and cry because he couldn’t play fetch with his beloved ragged ass squirrel that he has eaten the face off of? I braced myself for what could be the longest and worst flight of my life but Thor was worth it.  Today, Thor would become a US Citizen.

Thor is making sure we don't forget to take him with us
Thor is making sure we don’t forget to take him with us

Prepping for the trip, Thor laid on Thom’s open suitcase while the final packing was being completed. He knew something was up and wanted to make sure he wasn’t left behind. Once we arrived at Pudong Airport, Thom walked him up and down the crowded sidewalk trying to get him to do his business but NOOOOO…..nothing came out. Great, he was saving it all up to dump at 30,000 feet at my feet. Our poor surrounding passengers would probably give us the stink eye all the way to Seattle or worse depending on Thor’s bowels. Armed with multiple pee pads, cleaning wipes and plastic bags, we braced ourselves for shit patrol big time.

So how do you quiet a puppy who loves to run and yap and play? Napping really isn’t in his DNA yet. Well, it seems that the magic collar is all you need. I had visited a doggy designer boutique on Capitol Hill in Seattle on my last trip. They were so helpful when I told them about my concerns for Thor’s upcoming trip. They even recommended I go to another store (since they didn’t carry it) and buy the Sentry calming collar made with who the hell knows what and I don’t care—IT WORKS!  It is a miracle product that I will endorse from the roof tops from now on.

Knowing the culture of Seattle, it probably has some medicinal weed woven into it. Knowing this could be a possibility and Thor could get the munchies mid-flight, I also bought some calming doggie treats but we didn’t even have to break those out or the bacon flavored bone that I got as backup. Thom stuck his water bottle to Thor’s lips and he lapped a little up. Of course, Thom knocked back the rest of it. UGHHH! But, Thom also ate street meat in China so nothing surprises me when it comes to what he does.  What are puppy germs when you’ve eaten Chinese rat on a stick chargrilled on an open kettle street fire.

Thor taking his last walk on Chinese soil
Thor taking his last walk on Chinese soil

Thor was so quiet and passive that we had to keep opening up the carrier to check and see if he was still breathing. Upon reflection, we decided that the collar was probably made for a huge 50 pound dog and little 4 pounder Thor was probably overwhelmed by the powers of it’s magic. Soon, Thor will be walking along the Seattle waterfront, enjoying the clean air and easy living in Seattle. From runt of the litter found in a stable by a kind Laowai lady who had just had the shit kicked out of her by her dirtbag husband who had taken all their money and left China with his local girlfriend. She took Thor to the Vet, got him medical treatment and then, having to leave the country because she couldn’t get a job to support herself, found us to take Thor as his foster parents. Our rescue puppy quickly became part of the family. So, from forgotten ailing stable misfit to superstar strutting his awesome self on the Seattle waterfront, Thor will now enjoy his US citizenship to the max and bring joy to all who encounter him.  Welcome to the USA, Thor!